just a note...

dear kathryn,
i'm really busy these days and have been feeling like i wanted to write you.  so now, amid all the chaos, i just decided to close my door and make it happen.

i've been missing you lately, but not in a super sad way.  just a sort of how it is way. we're all doing okay.  i keep shaking my head, wondering how on earth we're doing this, but we are.  some things are slowly getting easier.  i'm finally able to go back to "our" publix.  for a long time, i wasn't able to go there.  i've been TERRIFIED that the bagger man and the deli lady were going to ask me how you were doing.  but i moved past it about two weeks ago, and now i'm back.  i can still only go if BT goes with me.  for some reason, i can't do it on my own yet, but maybe that will come soon.  dear Lord i hope so because i really do not like going to wal-mart.

and i did put off my dentist appointment last month.  my hygenist is so wonderful and she and i have spent the last couple of years talking about babies: thomas, her new grandbaby, and at my last appointment in march, just before i found out you were sick, we talked all about you.  she was so excited for me to bring you in this fall at my next appointment.  so i dread that.  i put it off until october 5th, but i'll go then.  i just dread the look on her face.  and the jittery feelings it causes.  the sadness and the rehashing.  but i'll deal.  for crying out loud, i'm not going to switch dentists. 

i had a dream about you the other night, and it was so good.  you were beautiful, smiling, chubby, and it was so real.  i'm so happy on those mornings i wake up after God has shared you with me in my dreams. 

your big brother will be turning two in less than a month. i spent some time showing him your pictures yesterday, and asked him if he remembered you.  He said a quiet soft "yes," then tooted and smiled.  He's very into toots these days :-) 

The other day, someone on facebook posted a picture of their baby boy who is the exact age you would be if you were still with us.  Ugh, it makes my heart ache, but at the very same time, makes me so excited to see those pictures because it gives me a little glimpse of what you would be looking like right about now.

Of course, I don't know why I need to see it in pictures, when I have the real thing in my dreams.

I love you sweet girl.
Love,
Mom