On Worry

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. ~Glenn Turner

Ever since people really started reading this blog, I've noticed a theme.  Within myself, and within others.

I don't know what it is about going through something like we went through, with the loss of a baby, but it shakes people to the core.  I think because suddenly, out of nowhere, everyone gets this realization: that if a baby can die, then what, on this sweet, sweet earth, is sacred?  Babies aren't supposed to die.  They're supposed to be our sign that the world still has some sort of sweetness, and goodness, and truth to it.  In fact, my mom had a little piece of art that she hung in her bathroom for years that read:

"A baby is God's way of saying the world should go on."

Last time I went home to my parents' house, I noticed it wasn't hanging in her bathroom anymore.  It was in the closet of the bathroom, tucked away on a little shelf.  I don't know when this happened, and I don't know if it's sitting on that shelf because of what happened with Kathryn, but I can't blame her in the least bit if it is.

Because it's just one of those things that just completely rock your sense of good and bad, of right and wrong, and of what's SUPPOSED to be.

So through the last year and a half, I've found that many, many people are opening up to me, and sharing with me.  Perhaps because they know that I get it.  I might not get the exact occasion of their worry, and of their sadness.  But I get the underlying fear.  I've received letters, phone calls, and many an email and message from people, all with different worries: infertility, miscarriage, job loss, marriage problems, questions over what they're doing with their lives....

And every message, every confidant, has the same theme:

We are worrying our lives away. 

Over things that we have ZERO control over.  In fact, I've learned this lesson more than anything else: Even things I think I have control over, I DON'T.  So I might as well let it all go.

I can't quite explain to you the freedom that comes in that.  The freedom that comes in saying, "You know what?  I don't understand this at all.  I don't understand WHY this is an issue in my life.  But WORRY, gets me nowhere.  So I'm giving it over.  To my God.  To someone and something so much bigger than myself, that I just don't have to fret.  That I can fall asleep at night, knowing that I'm just here, and it's all out of my hands." 

When Thomas was born, I had a lot of anxiety over him going to sleep at night.  I attribute alot of that to how media does as much as they can to just completely FREAK new moms out about the possibility of SIDS in every single way. 

So I developed a little prayer. 

"God, I can't be there for him all the time, but you can, so help me let it go."

And you know what?  You change that wording a little bit, and this prayer just works for everything.

I know I've talked alot about the serenity prayer before, but that's because there's a reason. 

Letting go of the worry, of the control, well, it's really the best thing to happen to me in the last year. 

Even now, as I'm already starting to feel this little bean bump around inside me, and as there are some unanswered questions at work I'm waiting on, and as we are trying to save for a new house, and as we continue to raise this awesome boy as he's deep in the throes of his terrible twos, I just have to say, the peace you feel when you say, "Well, we'll see.  It's out of my hands," I just can't tell you how freeing it is. 

Maybe it's the lazy girl's answer to wanting to be in control of everything and knowing it's not possible.  But whatever it is, it's working.

Worry doesn't do anything.

It only makes us paralyzed.

I read these letters, these messages from people, and my heart HURTS for each fear, each situation.  And I wish, like I'm sure others do, that I could take it all away.

But there's nothing to take the situation away, but time. 

And if that's the case, then worrying, well, it's just nothing but pointless.



THREE

Stand still, and consider the wondrous works of God.
Job 37:14

3 days after Kathryn's birthday, on May 16th, we got a gift.

We're having another baby.

Just like that.

Another little miracle.  A sweet and precious #3. 

A baby that we do not take for granted. 

THREE.

When I was pregnant with Kathryn, near the end of my pregnancy, I told BT there would be no way I could put myself through it again. 

No way. 

In fact, I was supposed to have my tubes tied after Kathryn.  But we decided, with my doctor's advice, that we should not rush to that decision, as her health was so critical.

Never say never, right?

We gave ourselves about a year before we entertained the thought, even though we were both ready quite some time ago. 

Even though we were ready, we still needed that time. 

Time to heal, time to grieve, and time to breathe in, breathe out. 

Like a new friend I've met along this way says, "One sacred breath at a time."

And now, it's a beautiful little baby. 

I'm twelve and a half weeks along, due late January.

And on June 11, a bittersweet day (as it was Kathryn's due date), we got the 'sweet' in that bittersweet. 

The first ultrasound....
Our first little glimpse at God's promise:

That life goes on, and in many ways, in every other way than the way in which we planned.

After that first ultrasound, we decided to keep it a little mum.  Not totally mum.  But not "blog/facebook public" yet.  We know that even now, before you have known, many of you have been praying for us, and for this child. 

I think it's safe to say that this baby is quite possibly the most anticipated,
prayed for baby in a long, long time. 

That this baby, is EVERYBODY'S baby.

And as we've told our parents, our grandparents, our siblings, and our close friends over the past couple of months, I've felt the healing in their voice, and I've seen the healing in their eyes.  Even now, this little, perfect tiny miracle of a baby is helping us heal....

And so far, so good.  Today's appointment showed a healthy, bouncing baby, measuring 13 weeks, 1 day, with a heartbeat of 160 beats per minute.  We did get a gender guess, of which she said she was "pretty positive," but we're going to keep that to ourselves for now until we confirm it next month :-)

Again.
We're doing it again.

Who would have thunk it.

So now, MANY prayers are requested, appreciated, and embraced as we enter the world of the highest of high risk pregnancies: those who have lost a baby before.  From outside my exam room at my first appointment, I heard muffled words, and then:

"the woman who lost the non-immune hydrops baby last year...."

Suddenly, there is no screening that is "optional," and everything will be watched, observed, and carefully handled.  My doctor is so wonderful.  You should have seen the smile on her face. 

I am in the best of hands.

In fact, I already have high resolution/targeted ultrasounds planned all the way into OCTOBER.

This momma is doing good so far.  When I got that positive test, I just emotionally and mentally went into my 'safe space.' 

I'm hunkering down, and I feel at peace, as long as I don't let THE question enter my mind. 

I've said it before HERE, and I'll say it again:

"The what ifs, they'll eat you alive if you let them..."

So I'm choosing not to have ANY part of the what ifs.  When I feel them creeping in, I've got a saying I keep repeating in my head, in the thickest of southern drawls, channeling M'Lynn, Truvy, Ouiser, and Clairee with all my might.

"You can GO AWAY.  Cause I ain't buyin' what you're sellin."

And it seems to be working....

It's going to be hard for me not to over analyze everything that might not be 'textbook,' but I just have to remind myself that hunkering down is something I know how to do, and that patience and trust is something God likes to work on with me on a continual basis, apparently.

But I'll be honest. 

It's really hard not to think that this little bean wouldn't be here if my other child had lived. 

That's a lot to take in. 

A LOT.

But I have to let that go, to not hold on to that right now, and set it free.

The art of letting go.

It really is an art, isn't it? 

God, grant me the serenity...

Amen.

AMEN.

Beach, Fourth, & Family Love

Oh, to be back at the beach....

Is it too soon to already be planning another getaway?

Lucky for us, my parents have already booked the condo for next year's Fourth of July week, and I could NOT be happier about this development.  On another note, they've also mentioned they  might keep Thomas in August should we find a little getaway for BT's birthday, so we're working on that as we speak too. 

The beach was, shall we say, simply lovely.

We slept.  A lot. 
We ate.  A lot. 
We beached.  A lot.

I don't know when I have seen my parents that relaxed in a long time.  Those two work hard.  Very hard.  Quite possibly harder than anyone I know.  They both love their jobs, love their home, their busy schedules, and so for two people that are in a constant state of MOTION, I really was not very sure how exactly they would take to the nothingness (which is, for me, quite second nature). 

Well, they managed just fine.  In fact, they thrived.  My mom managed to read three books.  My dad finished a 1,000 page book.  They hung out in the condo, on the balcony, and on the rarest of occasions, made it down to the beach.

So while they redefined 'relax,' me, BT, Thomas, and Myles had a big, big time. 

Panorama of little T on the Beach

Working on his sand art.  Not castles.  Birthday Cakes :)

Mom & Dad out by the Grills

"More Watermelon, Please!"

I love this picture

Doc & T out on the Beach

T, proud of his new "monkeys in a barrell," the generic form of the popular toy :)

In his new cap, and in his turtle ring

Baby Toes are the BEST toes

Happy Beach Boy

Thomas & his Uncle Myles

Loving the pool time

Getting Buried in the Sand

My Best Guy

Playing Guitar with Uncle Myles

Singing and dancing.  They did this almost every night

First Arcade Driving Game on a rainy day

Out by the grill

Sparklers on the Fourth

At Cosmo's: our last night

Family Pic

So thanks, mom and dad, for a FANTASTIC week. 
We loved every second.

I can't believe it's July already.

To say there's been alot going on in the last couple of months is an understatement. 

And it's all just very, very good :-)