THREE

Stand still, and consider the wondrous works of God.
Job 37:14

3 days after Kathryn's birthday, on May 16th, we got a gift.

We're having another baby.

Just like that.

Another little miracle.  A sweet and precious #3. 

A baby that we do not take for granted. 

THREE.

When I was pregnant with Kathryn, near the end of my pregnancy, I told BT there would be no way I could put myself through it again. 

No way. 

In fact, I was supposed to have my tubes tied after Kathryn.  But we decided, with my doctor's advice, that we should not rush to that decision, as her health was so critical.

Never say never, right?

We gave ourselves about a year before we entertained the thought, even though we were both ready quite some time ago. 

Even though we were ready, we still needed that time. 

Time to heal, time to grieve, and time to breathe in, breathe out. 

Like a new friend I've met along this way says, "One sacred breath at a time."

And now, it's a beautiful little baby. 

I'm twelve and a half weeks along, due late January.

And on June 11, a bittersweet day (as it was Kathryn's due date), we got the 'sweet' in that bittersweet. 

The first ultrasound....
Our first little glimpse at God's promise:

That life goes on, and in many ways, in every other way than the way in which we planned.

After that first ultrasound, we decided to keep it a little mum.  Not totally mum.  But not "blog/facebook public" yet.  We know that even now, before you have known, many of you have been praying for us, and for this child. 

I think it's safe to say that this baby is quite possibly the most anticipated,
prayed for baby in a long, long time. 

That this baby, is EVERYBODY'S baby.

And as we've told our parents, our grandparents, our siblings, and our close friends over the past couple of months, I've felt the healing in their voice, and I've seen the healing in their eyes.  Even now, this little, perfect tiny miracle of a baby is helping us heal....

And so far, so good.  Today's appointment showed a healthy, bouncing baby, measuring 13 weeks, 1 day, with a heartbeat of 160 beats per minute.  We did get a gender guess, of which she said she was "pretty positive," but we're going to keep that to ourselves for now until we confirm it next month :-)

Again.
We're doing it again.

Who would have thunk it.

So now, MANY prayers are requested, appreciated, and embraced as we enter the world of the highest of high risk pregnancies: those who have lost a baby before.  From outside my exam room at my first appointment, I heard muffled words, and then:

"the woman who lost the non-immune hydrops baby last year...."

Suddenly, there is no screening that is "optional," and everything will be watched, observed, and carefully handled.  My doctor is so wonderful.  You should have seen the smile on her face. 

I am in the best of hands.

In fact, I already have high resolution/targeted ultrasounds planned all the way into OCTOBER.

This momma is doing good so far.  When I got that positive test, I just emotionally and mentally went into my 'safe space.' 

I'm hunkering down, and I feel at peace, as long as I don't let THE question enter my mind. 

I've said it before HERE, and I'll say it again:

"The what ifs, they'll eat you alive if you let them..."

So I'm choosing not to have ANY part of the what ifs.  When I feel them creeping in, I've got a saying I keep repeating in my head, in the thickest of southern drawls, channeling M'Lynn, Truvy, Ouiser, and Clairee with all my might.

"You can GO AWAY.  Cause I ain't buyin' what you're sellin."

And it seems to be working....

It's going to be hard for me not to over analyze everything that might not be 'textbook,' but I just have to remind myself that hunkering down is something I know how to do, and that patience and trust is something God likes to work on with me on a continual basis, apparently.

But I'll be honest. 

It's really hard not to think that this little bean wouldn't be here if my other child had lived. 

That's a lot to take in. 

A LOT.

But I have to let that go, to not hold on to that right now, and set it free.

The art of letting go.

It really is an art, isn't it? 

God, grant me the serenity...

Amen.

AMEN.