2012

"And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again"
Mumford & Sons, 'The Cave'

Really so very hard to believe it's been two entire weeks since I've visited my own blog.

But that's what happens when life gets in the way.

Since I last wrote, we went back to Memphis to celebrate one last Christmas at my grandparents' home, we went to spend time with the Little Rock part of the family, we came back home, I took the week off to clean out, clean up, and reflect, and now, it's finally not 2011 anymore.

2012. 

A new year.

Would you believe, after all the talk I had about how I was going to stay up to bid 2011 farewell, that I was asleep by 10pm on New Year's?  And I think it was intentional.  There was a sadness for me that night.  A little forlorn, a lot reflective.  As crazy as this sounds, letting 2011 go was hard.  Because as difficult as it was, I knew it well, I was familiar with 2011. 

Don't get me wrong, I wanted it gone.  And I mean GONE.  But it was like saying goodbye to an old boyfriend who, like one of my oldest friends and I used to talk about so many years ago, was like your ratty pair of jeans.  They look awful, it's past time for them to go, but there's something about them that you have a hard time letting go. 

The familiarity of the pain of the year. 

If there's anything to be said about 2011 for us, it can never be said that it wasn't consistent.

And now, a new year. 

Many new plans and dreams for us this year.  We will see, and time will tell, what plans are meant to be.  But I've learned to quit planning, and I am okay with this. 

So, instead, in unplanned form, 2012 started off with a bang: an unplanned tee tee in the potty for Mr. Thomas.  A big deal for our little family. 

A quiet, exciting little way to remind me that life does in fact go on, regardless of what the year on the calendar reads.  I needed that reminder, especially since even though it's a new year, I'm confronted with the fact that there won't be a day in my life I don't relive it over and over again in my head, and feel it over and over again in my heart.  That it didn't go away when 2011 did.

I've been walking after work this week, listening to a lot of music as I do it.  I love the feeling of that cold air slapping me in the face.  The trail I've been walking has been really calming for me.  It's something about being by myself, outside, with Mumford & Sons on repeat as I walk.  And I think it's helping.  My own little therapy session.  It's a lot cheaper, too.  And probably more productive.

So just like that, life goes on, and Thomas grows up to be a cowboy...

Happy 2012, yall. 

I totally mean it.