Setbacks

We're having some setbacks over here.

In the meantime, though, I'm surrounded my love and hope.

And a friend dropped off cupcakes at our door yesterday.

My cousin brought us dinner and then we sat and talked a long time.

Other friends mailed gift cards to help, and an old close friend sent a care package from an entire continent away.

And then, on top of all that love, I got to change Micah's diaper yesterday.

It's something I never got to do with Kathryn, and it was a special moment for me.

So I need to tell you something.  Even among the setbacks, I'm keeping the hope very much alive.

I have a bad, albeit understandable habit.  And that's to really keep my guard up, and to prepare for the absolute worst.

But after a good night's sleep, and after some time to think, pray, and eat a good meal, I've got a refreshed perspective.

I'm not giving up.

Micah had to be put back on the jet vent early Thursday morning.  His lungs just weren't quite ready for the change.  But with that came a whole bevy of setbacks. 

Back on the jet.
Back up on the nitric.
Back up on the Fentanyl.
Back up on the o2.
And this morning, back on the Dopamine.

But you know what? 

If time and help is what it takes to give this little baby time to grow and heal, then I've got all the time in the world.

So today, I'm sitting here in his room, just keeping him company.

Fifteen days old today.
A little miracle.

And my heart is so very full.
Full of the love we have for this baby, and for the love we have for each other as a family.
Full of the respect I have for this medical staff who love on him when I can't be here.

And full of grace for giving me the chance to do this again.
Because while it was my worst nightmare when we found out, now it's grown to be one of my three greatest blessings, regardless of the circumstance.

I know there are so many people who are confused, angry, and don't understand why God would do this again.

But you see, I believe in a God of love and grace, who doesn't make bad things happen.  Who doesn't put babies in giraffe beds in NICUs. 

I believe in the God who says that this world is very much broken. 
Very much left to its own devices.
A God who says that all we are to do is love one another, practice justice and mercy, and to accept His gift of grace.
And the God who says that among ALL those things, He's not going anywhere.

That's the God I believe in.

And He's in this room right now, no matter the outcome down the road.

But I can tell you this: He is a healing God, whether he chooses to heal my son physically, or heal you and me spiritually through this process.

That's something we can hold onto among the setbacks.

Thank God for that.