Dates

I know I haven't written much here lately, but it's just because it's all in my head and hard to get down.  Then I was going to write a post yesterday, as I was home with a sick boy, but I realized I left my computer at work. 

Remember when I wrote a post with the same title HERE? 

Now I'm dealing with a whole new significance in dates, and trying to get ready for what lies ahead in the next six months.

Thanksgiving Day will mark six months since Kathryn died. 

For some reason, the six month mark seems monumental.  I guess it's because when you have a baby, that six month mark means that baby is halfway to its first birthday...

On that same note, guess what Kathryn's birthday, what would have been her 1st birthday, falls on this year?

Mother's Day.

Seriously???

Talk about salt in wound. 

It'll be a bittersweet day, but lucky for me, I have about six months to prepare for it.  I actually noticed it when I was looking at T's school calendar and saw that his school's "Muffins with Mom" breakfast is on Friday, May 11th.  It hit me like a TON of bricks when I saw it.  And I just happened to notice it early morning, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, alone, in my kitchen. 

But I didn't cry. 

For those of you who still pray for me, for us, this is an important step:  I haven't cried in a while.  Seeing as how I've cried more this year than any other year, it was a really strange feeling when I realized the other day, 'I can't remember the last time I cried about Kathryn...' 

I'm sure there are more tears to come, over the holidays, but the tears I have had lately, well, they're tears of joy. 

Tears over the beauty of it all, over my son's smile, over my husband's loving and wonderful nature, over anything, really. 

I guess when something like this happens, you just can't help but be overwhelmed by the beauty.

Don't get me wrong: there's a whole lot of darkness that comes with this.  Fears, anxiety, stress, but if I let myself focus on that part of it on a daily basis, well, I just might not get out of bed.  It's a weight, a burden, a heaviness, that just doesn't go away.  It's a little overwhelming at times, and a constant battle to not focus on it.  Because if I do, then I'd just simply worry over every. single. thing. 

Anyway, I realize many of you read this blog to sort of keep up with how we're doing since Kathryn, and I hadn't written much about it lately.  It's hard, you know?  To focus on it too much.  So I don't.  I'm trying to focus on all the blessings in my life, including her, instead. 

Month of Thanksgiving Day 9: I am thankful for this wonderful, beautiful, painful, joyous life....