ONE

Dear Kathryn,

This birthday letter is late to you.  But in my defense, your brother's 2nd birthday letter was late too, so I'm just trying to keep things even between you two. 

Sunday, May 13th, was your birthday.  What would have been your first birthday. 

ONE. 

I can't quite explain to you what it's like commemorating a day that changed our lives without the ONE that changed it. 

Sunday morning, I woke up, at my parents' house, and sleeping in the same room as your brother.  I woke up early, and aside from Thomas' snores, alone.  You see, your daddy  had to stay at home last weekend to help us pack up since we're moving to a new house very soon.  We've had that house on the market since before you were born, and actually, since before we ever knew you were sick.  We wanted more space, knew we needed more space, and really wanted to get to a 'forever' spot. 

Then you got sick, and then you died..  But we kept the house on the market because now, we had a new reason to sell it.  We knew it would take a while, and we knew that ultimately, we could really use a fresh start.

So that being said, we're finally under contract.  We close a week from today.  You would really like our new little house.  We're renting for a bit, but this house is perfect for us.  It's got a great backyard for your brother and Beau, and hardwood floors, a fireplace, a cozy kitchen, and there's something about it that feels like it's exactly where we need to be right now.  I'm so grateful for that. 

So I woke up early Sunday morning, in a bed by myself, and while your brother slept in the pack n' play on the floor, I let the tears go.  I cried over not being able to come into your room on your birthday and celebrate ONE with you.  I cried over not being able to plan a party.  I cried over not being able to get you a ONE shirt just like your brother's. 

Tears over milestones missed.
Hugs missed.
First steps missed.
First tooth.
First smile.
First laugh.
First bath.

First.
ONE.

It got stolen from us, Kathryn. 

You would love your brother so much.  He is such a charmer.  He would take such good care of you. 

He keeps telling us over and over again that he wants a baby sister.  And every time he does, your daddy and I look at each other, in silence, and our hearts break over and over again.

He doesn't remember you. 
But then, sometimes he does something that makes me think he does. 
We talk about you, alot, and two year olds are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.  Every now and then, he mentions you.  So I know he knows, and I know he loves you, just like we do.

Life here goes on.  Your daddy and I are more in love than ever before. 
And we've found our laughter again. 
Our little family is doing okay, and we're all hanging in there.

I can't even begin to tell you, though, Kathryn, how much you are missed.  Your Gigi and Doc miss you, your Gramps misses you, everyone here misses you and thinks about you all the time.  It's like this little hole will be here forever. 

So on Sunday we celebrated your birthday and Mother's Day all wrapped in one.  And what comforted me most was knowing you're not alone up there.  I know your Grammie and your great-grandie and all our family from years past gave you the ONE celebration you deserved.  You are whole.  Happy.  Healthy.  Complete. 

Happy ONE, dear.

Love,
MOM