On Worry

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. ~Glenn Turner

Ever since people really started reading this blog, I've noticed a theme.  Within myself, and within others.

I don't know what it is about going through something like we went through, with the loss of a baby, but it shakes people to the core.  I think because suddenly, out of nowhere, everyone gets this realization: that if a baby can die, then what, on this sweet, sweet earth, is sacred?  Babies aren't supposed to die.  They're supposed to be our sign that the world still has some sort of sweetness, and goodness, and truth to it.  In fact, my mom had a little piece of art that she hung in her bathroom for years that read:

"A baby is God's way of saying the world should go on."

Last time I went home to my parents' house, I noticed it wasn't hanging in her bathroom anymore.  It was in the closet of the bathroom, tucked away on a little shelf.  I don't know when this happened, and I don't know if it's sitting on that shelf because of what happened with Kathryn, but I can't blame her in the least bit if it is.

Because it's just one of those things that just completely rock your sense of good and bad, of right and wrong, and of what's SUPPOSED to be.

So through the last year and a half, I've found that many, many people are opening up to me, and sharing with me.  Perhaps because they know that I get it.  I might not get the exact occasion of their worry, and of their sadness.  But I get the underlying fear.  I've received letters, phone calls, and many an email and message from people, all with different worries: infertility, miscarriage, job loss, marriage problems, questions over what they're doing with their lives....

And every message, every confidant, has the same theme:

We are worrying our lives away. 

Over things that we have ZERO control over.  In fact, I've learned this lesson more than anything else: Even things I think I have control over, I DON'T.  So I might as well let it all go.

I can't quite explain to you the freedom that comes in that.  The freedom that comes in saying, "You know what?  I don't understand this at all.  I don't understand WHY this is an issue in my life.  But WORRY, gets me nowhere.  So I'm giving it over.  To my God.  To someone and something so much bigger than myself, that I just don't have to fret.  That I can fall asleep at night, knowing that I'm just here, and it's all out of my hands." 

When Thomas was born, I had a lot of anxiety over him going to sleep at night.  I attribute alot of that to how media does as much as they can to just completely FREAK new moms out about the possibility of SIDS in every single way. 

So I developed a little prayer. 

"God, I can't be there for him all the time, but you can, so help me let it go."

And you know what?  You change that wording a little bit, and this prayer just works for everything.

I know I've talked alot about the serenity prayer before, but that's because there's a reason. 

Letting go of the worry, of the control, well, it's really the best thing to happen to me in the last year. 

Even now, as I'm already starting to feel this little bean bump around inside me, and as there are some unanswered questions at work I'm waiting on, and as we are trying to save for a new house, and as we continue to raise this awesome boy as he's deep in the throes of his terrible twos, I just have to say, the peace you feel when you say, "Well, we'll see.  It's out of my hands," I just can't tell you how freeing it is. 

Maybe it's the lazy girl's answer to wanting to be in control of everything and knowing it's not possible.  But whatever it is, it's working.

Worry doesn't do anything.

It only makes us paralyzed.

I read these letters, these messages from people, and my heart HURTS for each fear, each situation.  And I wish, like I'm sure others do, that I could take it all away.

But there's nothing to take the situation away, but time. 

And if that's the case, then worrying, well, it's just nothing but pointless.



THREE

Stand still, and consider the wondrous works of God.
Job 37:14

3 days after Kathryn's birthday, on May 16th, we got a gift.

We're having another baby.

Just like that.

Another little miracle.  A sweet and precious #3. 

A baby that we do not take for granted. 

THREE.

When I was pregnant with Kathryn, near the end of my pregnancy, I told BT there would be no way I could put myself through it again. 

No way. 

In fact, I was supposed to have my tubes tied after Kathryn.  But we decided, with my doctor's advice, that we should not rush to that decision, as her health was so critical.

Never say never, right?

We gave ourselves about a year before we entertained the thought, even though we were both ready quite some time ago. 

Even though we were ready, we still needed that time. 

Time to heal, time to grieve, and time to breathe in, breathe out. 

Like a new friend I've met along this way says, "One sacred breath at a time."

And now, it's a beautiful little baby. 

I'm twelve and a half weeks along, due late January.

And on June 11, a bittersweet day (as it was Kathryn's due date), we got the 'sweet' in that bittersweet. 

The first ultrasound....
Our first little glimpse at God's promise:

That life goes on, and in many ways, in every other way than the way in which we planned.

After that first ultrasound, we decided to keep it a little mum.  Not totally mum.  But not "blog/facebook public" yet.  We know that even now, before you have known, many of you have been praying for us, and for this child. 

I think it's safe to say that this baby is quite possibly the most anticipated,
prayed for baby in a long, long time. 

That this baby, is EVERYBODY'S baby.

And as we've told our parents, our grandparents, our siblings, and our close friends over the past couple of months, I've felt the healing in their voice, and I've seen the healing in their eyes.  Even now, this little, perfect tiny miracle of a baby is helping us heal....

And so far, so good.  Today's appointment showed a healthy, bouncing baby, measuring 13 weeks, 1 day, with a heartbeat of 160 beats per minute.  We did get a gender guess, of which she said she was "pretty positive," but we're going to keep that to ourselves for now until we confirm it next month :-)

Again.
We're doing it again.

Who would have thunk it.

So now, MANY prayers are requested, appreciated, and embraced as we enter the world of the highest of high risk pregnancies: those who have lost a baby before.  From outside my exam room at my first appointment, I heard muffled words, and then:

"the woman who lost the non-immune hydrops baby last year...."

Suddenly, there is no screening that is "optional," and everything will be watched, observed, and carefully handled.  My doctor is so wonderful.  You should have seen the smile on her face. 

I am in the best of hands.

In fact, I already have high resolution/targeted ultrasounds planned all the way into OCTOBER.

This momma is doing good so far.  When I got that positive test, I just emotionally and mentally went into my 'safe space.' 

I'm hunkering down, and I feel at peace, as long as I don't let THE question enter my mind. 

I've said it before HERE, and I'll say it again:

"The what ifs, they'll eat you alive if you let them..."

So I'm choosing not to have ANY part of the what ifs.  When I feel them creeping in, I've got a saying I keep repeating in my head, in the thickest of southern drawls, channeling M'Lynn, Truvy, Ouiser, and Clairee with all my might.

"You can GO AWAY.  Cause I ain't buyin' what you're sellin."

And it seems to be working....

It's going to be hard for me not to over analyze everything that might not be 'textbook,' but I just have to remind myself that hunkering down is something I know how to do, and that patience and trust is something God likes to work on with me on a continual basis, apparently.

But I'll be honest. 

It's really hard not to think that this little bean wouldn't be here if my other child had lived. 

That's a lot to take in. 

A LOT.

But I have to let that go, to not hold on to that right now, and set it free.

The art of letting go.

It really is an art, isn't it? 

God, grant me the serenity...

Amen.

AMEN.

Beach, Fourth, & Family Love

Oh, to be back at the beach....

Is it too soon to already be planning another getaway?

Lucky for us, my parents have already booked the condo for next year's Fourth of July week, and I could NOT be happier about this development.  On another note, they've also mentioned they  might keep Thomas in August should we find a little getaway for BT's birthday, so we're working on that as we speak too. 

The beach was, shall we say, simply lovely.

We slept.  A lot. 
We ate.  A lot. 
We beached.  A lot.

I don't know when I have seen my parents that relaxed in a long time.  Those two work hard.  Very hard.  Quite possibly harder than anyone I know.  They both love their jobs, love their home, their busy schedules, and so for two people that are in a constant state of MOTION, I really was not very sure how exactly they would take to the nothingness (which is, for me, quite second nature). 

Well, they managed just fine.  In fact, they thrived.  My mom managed to read three books.  My dad finished a 1,000 page book.  They hung out in the condo, on the balcony, and on the rarest of occasions, made it down to the beach.

So while they redefined 'relax,' me, BT, Thomas, and Myles had a big, big time. 

Panorama of little T on the Beach

Working on his sand art.  Not castles.  Birthday Cakes :)

Mom & Dad out by the Grills

"More Watermelon, Please!"

I love this picture

Doc & T out on the Beach

T, proud of his new "monkeys in a barrell," the generic form of the popular toy :)

In his new cap, and in his turtle ring

Baby Toes are the BEST toes

Happy Beach Boy

Thomas & his Uncle Myles

Loving the pool time

Getting Buried in the Sand

My Best Guy

Playing Guitar with Uncle Myles

Singing and dancing.  They did this almost every night

First Arcade Driving Game on a rainy day

Out by the grill

Sparklers on the Fourth

At Cosmo's: our last night

Family Pic

So thanks, mom and dad, for a FANTASTIC week. 
We loved every second.

I can't believe it's July already.

To say there's been alot going on in the last couple of months is an understatement. 

And it's all just very, very good :-)

Father's Day Weekend (along with MANY hyperlinks)

We had a great Father's Day weekend, complete with Gigi, Doc, and Gramps!  Everyone got to see the new house, and Thomas got in some great playtime with the grandparents, which is always one of his favorite things to do.

In fact, on Friday morning, I went into his room to get him up, and said, "Thomas, Gigi and Doc are coming today after school!" 

That kid hopped up like his butt was on fire.  He was so pumped.  Immediately, he said, "I'm gonna show Gigi/Doc my new room!"  (side note---I simply LOVE how Thomas refers to them as one entity.  It's never Gigi AND Doc--always GigiDoc. :)

So you can imagine how thrilled he was when Gigi/Doc came with me to pick him up from school Friday afternoon.  This was, of course, after I had a little alone time with my mommy and daddy, outside of them having to be Gigi/Doc.  We went ot lunch at Olexa's, complete with warm vanilla wedding cake topped with chocolate ganache...oh my. 

Then after lunch, I took them to check out the house, and then they made my day by saying our housewarming present was ...  WAIT FOR IT: a trip to Target.

Best. Ever.

So while dad found a comfy recliner in the Target furniture section to relax in, mom and I picked out some great little treats for the house.   A fun new rug for T's room, and a new rug for the playroom, and on top of that curtains and a rod for the playroom to cover up what we're using as our makeshift attic space.  And I just think it looks fantastic.

So thanks mom & dad.  Quite the little treat.

After we picked up T, we went and met BT for dinner after he got off work at Village Tavern.  Another great spot, great service, and you would have thought the four adults were on a standard cruise ship meal plan, as all our plates looked the same: steak and mashed taters.  Maybe we should all check our iron levels soon....

Saturday started off with breakfast at Homewood Diner.  Have you guys been here yet?  I have to tell you, because it would really be a disservice not to tell you: they have the BEST cinammon rolls I have EVER put in my mouth.  For serious.  In every way.  This is sort of becoming our new favorite go-to little hometown place.  We are loving it.  Great food for great prices in a great little atmosphere. 

Can you sense a theme so far? 

Father's Day Weekend theme was apparently EATING.

After breakfast, we went over to Railroad Park for a little bit before we hit up the new Dora & Diego exhibit at McWane Center.  OH MY GOODNESS.  I didn't think we were going to be able to get Thomas out of there.  It was like watching a crack addict who hadn't been with the good stuff in a long time.  The kid went nuts.  In fact, after we finally pulled him off the Dora and Diego floor, we had to go back up there one more time before we left. 

T @ the Diego/Dora Exhibit

So my parents headed back home after McWane, and after nap, we hit the Freshworks festival up for a little bit.  That's where T discovered his (and mine too) love for the newest craze: Steel City Pops.   Oh my.  In case you were wondering, they really are as good as they say.  I recommend the strawberry. 

After that is when the shopping and prepping began.  I sent BT to the grocery store to get the food while I took T to get BT's father's day stuff. 

I have to admit.  I did a little Pinterest thing.  I can't believe I have caved to Pinterest.  But I did.  So oh well.  I have to acknowlege it, and just move on .  There.  It's out. 

How cute did THIS turn out?!

I'll leave it up to your imagination what label is behind the homemade sticker :-)

So to say I was ready to fall asleep on my face about 7pm Saturday night is an understatement.  Of course, I couldn't, because I had to make the dough for the pie crust.  But more on that in a second.

Sunday morning, my alarm went off at 5:45, and the Father's Day Feast prep began.  I got inspired this year by none other than the Pioneer Woman herself.  In fact, I picked the recipes I used of hers after I watched her food network show. 

And I need to tell you to do something: GO MAKE THESE RIGHT AWAY.

Father's Day Feast included her Spicy Pop Pulled Pork, sauteed green beans, tasty rolls, baked potatoes, and for desert, her Flat Apple Pies with perfect pie crust (and the pie crust really was perfect, and EASY AS PIE, pun intended). 

In fact, both recipes of hers were SO easy, that I'm sort of embarrased to say that's what they were.  But I guess it works in my favor, and it'll work in yours too.  Because both taste like you slaved in the kitchen for hours.  In fact, aside from the little bit of prep time involved (I made the dough the night before and stored it in ziploc bags, then rolled it out the next day), the food essentially cooks itself.  Especially the pork.

Now remember this if you make the pork (which  you should): it does have a bit of a kick to it.  I mean, it marinates for six hours in chipotle peppers.  But from someone who likes spicy, but not too spicy,  I can tell you it's actually the perfect combo of sweet and spicy, thanks to the brown sugar.  Just make sure you remove the chipotles before serving. 

I never took a picture of the pork.  But I can tell you it went really fast. 

But this is how my pies turned out. 
I can tell you they were good because BT ate off it for the two days following that!

So Gramps and BT had quite the feast that day.  Thomas preferred the pie over the rest.  Of course, who doesn't?

On another note, I've ordered my (very) early Christmas present.  A new camera, which I'm super excited about.  I wanted to go ahead and get it for our trips this summer.  Beach & Disney are both coming up very soon.   Can I just say: I am SO excited to spend an entire week at the beach.  It'll be me, BT, Thomas, my parents, and my brother. 

And even better: fireworks at the beach for the Fourth. 

It's been a long time since I've gotten to see those fireworks in the sky over the water....

Just somethin' about it.

Yes, y'all, it's a very GOOD year. 

Home

After closing on our house, and living like gypsies, we are finally moved in. 

It feels good.

Now we're getting used to life in a little cottage. 

It's not particularly smaller than our last house, but we have lost an attic and a garage basement, which means we've lost a good bit of storage space. 

So we're learning to minimalize, and to actually only save what we find actually memorable, not junk.

Even though, that still equates to about ten tubs' worth of stuff all piled into a giant closet in the sunroom.

It's not perfect yet, but it's getting there. 

I'm really loving it so far. 

I'm loving my five minute commute to work even more. 

Our neighbors are great, the neighborhood is better, and we're digging how close we are to the park, to the church we've been visiting, to shops and restaurants, and to everything.  It really is quite livable. 

We dig it.

Can't say with certainty how long we'll be able to stay here before running out of room, but that's okay, and for now, well, we can just make do. 

It's all about simplifying, right?
About not sweatin' the small stuff, literally.

My favorite part about the new house: the gas stove. 
Hands down.
Best ever.
I'm so glad I can finally cook with some gas.

My least favorite: the high efficiency front loading washer and dryer.
Who invented these things?
They trap moisture like a champ, and it's absolute hell on your back getting clothes out of that washer and moving it to the dryer.

Maybe I'm stuck in my ways, but I just like the good, old school, top loading W&D. 
Oh well, that I can get over. 
First world problem, for sure.

Outside

He picked out his new room by strategically bringing his crayons and play-doh box in there.

Pre-Furniture

Guess who this bathroom belongs to?

This kid LOVES his new room

Unpacking stage

At "the new park"

Lovin' me some built in bookshelves

First meal, cookin' with gas

So we are settled in. 
Since we're renting, who knows if we'll be here for a year, or for longer.
That's yet to be determined, and we're in no huge rush. 

For now, we're home.

The Gypsy Life

"When you look into my eyes, and you see the crazy gypsy in my soul,

it always comes as a suprise when I feel my withered roots begin to grow.

Well I never had a place that I could call my very own,

that's all right, my love, cause you're my home."
~Billy Joel

Since I last wrote, we packed up our house, closed, and moved out.  Specifically, we closed last Tuesday the 22nd and moved out at exactly 4:30pm May 23rd.  That's when BT and I pulled out of the driveway. 

It was bittersweet.  I can't quite begin to put into words all that's happened in that house. 

Our first house.

We danced
We laughed
We cried.
We mourned.
We wept
We smiled
We hugged.
We kissed boo boos
We were lazy
We were stressed
We were silly.
We grew up.
And we got up each and every morning, and did it over and over again.

So I try to remind myself that while we may have left our house, we took our HOME with us.  Those two boys.  That dog.  That's my home.  Nothing else.  So we live the gypsy life for a while.  That's just okay. 

So we have been experiencing this gypsy life in a whole new way.  Right now, we're lucky to have my aunt and uncle in town who are gracious enough to take us in for a bit.  So it's really not been bad.  I'm just really tired of living out of a suitcase and my car.

Thomas is handling it all like a champ.  He thinks this is like a little adventure, and I think he likes it. 

This weekend, we took advantage of being homeless by getting out of town.  We spent a day and night in Montgomery with Gramps, then on Sunday, we headed north to Chattanooga to meet some friends of ours on a last minute getaway.  When we got there Sunday, we did the Incline Railway.  No one really prepared me for how insane that was going to be, both with the ridiculous lines, and for this girl who is afraid of heights, to do THIS.  So it's pretty safe to say that this girl won't be doing that again.

Ice Cream Waiting on the Incline

Going UP

He Loved It!

After the Incline, we ate dinner out, and then hit the hay (or for Thomas, also known as 'lay all over mommy in the hotel bed all night').

We hit up the Creative Discovery Museum Monday morning and Thomas LOVED it.  It's actually a lot like McWane, but smaller, and I thought it had a lot more stuff for the younger kids to do.

At the Water Table

Boats & Pulleys

In the Kitchen

Working as a Beekeeper in the Beehive

Tinkertoy Puzzles

More Puzzles: In Heaven with all the Puzzles

After the museum, we ate some lunch at Mellow Mushroom, then headed back home to our last week of the Gypsy Life. 

We're moving into the house on Saturday.  I think it's safe to say we're all READY to get settled in again to our own little lives.  I'm ready to get the house put back together, and Thomas is ready to pick out his room. 

So you may not hear much from us for a little bit.  It's very busy, and super fun.

I had a few friends/family call or email or text on the 25th, the day Kathryn died.  My BFF called me the day before, and said, "If I don't call you in the morning, I will call you, and I'll be thinking about you."  It took me a second, because in my head I had totally forgotten for a second and I thought, "why?"

I think that's a good sign, not that I had forgotten, but that life was just too good otherwise to focus on the sadness....

ONE

Dear Kathryn,

This birthday letter is late to you.  But in my defense, your brother's 2nd birthday letter was late too, so I'm just trying to keep things even between you two. 

Sunday, May 13th, was your birthday.  What would have been your first birthday. 

ONE. 

I can't quite explain to you what it's like commemorating a day that changed our lives without the ONE that changed it. 

Sunday morning, I woke up, at my parents' house, and sleeping in the same room as your brother.  I woke up early, and aside from Thomas' snores, alone.  You see, your daddy  had to stay at home last weekend to help us pack up since we're moving to a new house very soon.  We've had that house on the market since before you were born, and actually, since before we ever knew you were sick.  We wanted more space, knew we needed more space, and really wanted to get to a 'forever' spot. 

Then you got sick, and then you died..  But we kept the house on the market because now, we had a new reason to sell it.  We knew it would take a while, and we knew that ultimately, we could really use a fresh start.

So that being said, we're finally under contract.  We close a week from today.  You would really like our new little house.  We're renting for a bit, but this house is perfect for us.  It's got a great backyard for your brother and Beau, and hardwood floors, a fireplace, a cozy kitchen, and there's something about it that feels like it's exactly where we need to be right now.  I'm so grateful for that. 

So I woke up early Sunday morning, in a bed by myself, and while your brother slept in the pack n' play on the floor, I let the tears go.  I cried over not being able to come into your room on your birthday and celebrate ONE with you.  I cried over not being able to plan a party.  I cried over not being able to get you a ONE shirt just like your brother's. 

Tears over milestones missed.
Hugs missed.
First steps missed.
First tooth.
First smile.
First laugh.
First bath.

First.
ONE.

It got stolen from us, Kathryn. 

You would love your brother so much.  He is such a charmer.  He would take such good care of you. 

He keeps telling us over and over again that he wants a baby sister.  And every time he does, your daddy and I look at each other, in silence, and our hearts break over and over again.

He doesn't remember you. 
But then, sometimes he does something that makes me think he does. 
We talk about you, alot, and two year olds are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.  Every now and then, he mentions you.  So I know he knows, and I know he loves you, just like we do.

Life here goes on.  Your daddy and I are more in love than ever before. 
And we've found our laughter again. 
Our little family is doing okay, and we're all hanging in there.

I can't even begin to tell you, though, Kathryn, how much you are missed.  Your Gigi and Doc miss you, your Gramps misses you, everyone here misses you and thinks about you all the time.  It's like this little hole will be here forever. 

So on Sunday we celebrated your birthday and Mother's Day all wrapped in one.  And what comforted me most was knowing you're not alone up there.  I know your Grammie and your great-grandie and all our family from years past gave you the ONE celebration you deserved.  You are whole.  Happy.  Healthy.  Complete. 

Happy ONE, dear.

Love,
MOM