"Side"

I forgot how much I love to be outside.  Or as Thomas says, "side." 

Ever since I left the hospital, it's ALL I want to do.  Drive in the car with the windows open, sit out on my deck (where I am now) with a cup of coffeee, feeling the breeze, or playing with Thomas.  I guess that's what happens when you're chained to your couch for a month.

Yesterday, we sat out here for a long time while he played in his new pool from GG and Doc. 

I was having such a great time when a few things hit me at once.

First, I felt the hot, summer breeze.
And I went to my dark place, and thought to myself, 'she never felt the sunshine.' 

I kept the tears in though, until I felt my breasts, and the tears flowed once more.

That's the toughest part of this, and something that no one ever talks about: all the milk.

It's a constant reminder of my baby girl.

My incision is still raw.
The bruise on my arm from where they popped a vein with the IV is still here.

And my breasts still ache.

I know you're not supposed to talk about this, but that's never stopped me before.

So after talking with the bereavement nurse at UAB, I decided to do something that would make me feel better about it, and am donating the ridiculous amount of frozen milk I have stored at UAB HERE.

I haven't pumped since Kathryn died.  The hospital pushed me to go cold turkey.  It really isn't that bad, but what I can do is give the milk Kathryn was never able to drink to another baby that needs it. 

That makes me feel good.  Like she's giving another baby a fighting chance. 

So as I sit out'side' this morning again, drinking my coffee, reveling in the sunshine and the hot breeze, I can slowly heal myself, both inside and out.