It started out with my final appointment at Brookwood with Dr. Gonzales. They did another targeted ultrasound and pretty much found all of the same: fluid in the chest cavities, swelling in the scalp, and high levels (today at 48) of amniotic fluid for me. Same diagnosis: hydrops; same cause: unknown.
Still unknown because the remainder of the Amnio results came back today: ALL NORMAL. On paper, and as far as the amnio can tell, she is a perfectly healthy little (I use that word lightly, as ultrasound already estimates her to weigh 6 pounds 12 ounces) girl. So since amnio results have ruled out all things chromosomal, as well as the major possible infections, now we sit scratching our heads.
Yes, it's a very good thing that the amnio results came back like that. However, it's also a very frustrating thing, because now, you see, we wait.
We wait until the medicine quits working and the contractions keep coming, or until my water breaks, and we go in, and we hold our breath.
This, my friends, is the worst agony I've ever known.
The rest of the day was spent on a non-stress test (all fine), getting my final steroid shot to mature Kathryn's lungs, and a final meeting with my OB at Brookwood. We've all decided together that from now on, ALL of my treatment will be at UAB.
This is sort of a very unknown field for everyone. Luckily, I've found someone that went through something similar, and they have a beautiful little girl to show for it. I encourage you to visit Heidi's daughter's page to learn about their story. Kathryn's hydrops journey so far is very similar to Ellery's. What we can hope and pray for now, is a similar outcome. The doctors have already mentioned the possiblity of Chylorthorax as a cause as well, but unfortunately, we just won't know until after Kathryn is born.
I don't know if I can quite explain to you what this is like. But the best I've been able to relate it to is my girl Hannah in the Bible, who prayed and prayed, and asked God for a son, and promised that she would dedicate his life to God if he gave her that wish. He blessed her with Samuel, and she followed through on her promise. This of course is not a bargaining game with us and God. But what it is a dream that we've had for a long time for two children, a boy and a girl, and now I'm letting fear get in and starting to wonder if God intends to take that away. I guess I'm in the bargaining stage of grief. And I hope our prayers are answered and we never have to see the depression and acceptance stage.
So yes, it was a bad day. But those days come to all of us. I know a long time best friend who had a pretty rough day herself, a life changing day, and her sorrow is just as true and deep as mine. And I have another friend who is experiencing some of the most joy in her life right now, and my fear and sorrow, while deep and wide, does not trump her joy.
No other way to say it than it's just how it is, and I will continue to praise my God for my blessings, and will continue to pray, knowing that anything is possible.
For now, we're going to enjoy our long Easter weekend. Don't look for updates from me this weekend unless something happens, and unless, I guess, I just have to write it out :)
Happy 18 month birthday to my adorable, happy, hard not to smile when he's around, "too pretty to be a boy" Thomas. :-)
1 comment:
I'm glad everything is coming back "normal" so far, and I'll continue to pray that you will all have strength daily. I know that some days have to be harder than others, so all you can do is take it one day at a time. I pray that Kathryn will come out as a beautiful, strong little girl that will be a blessing on your lives. I've always said that babies (and kids as cute as Thomas) are God's natural Prozac!
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