40 Weeks: June 11, 2011

Dear Kathryn,

When you looked at me, it took my breath away….

You were conceived on Tuesday, September 14th 2010.

Just like a mom knows, I knew right away that your daddy and I had made a pretty big oops ;-)

Turns out you weren’t an oops AT ALL.

I remember when I got the positive pregnancy test. It was October 4th, and when that positive line popped up that morning, even though I was excited, even though I already KNEW, I started crying. It hit me quickly: the fears.

Fears of what I was going to do at work, what I was going to do with a 19 month old and a newborn, what we were going to do with our car and our house: both of which I deemed too small, even though they were really just fine.

I walked in to Thomas’ room, where your daddy was changing his diaper, looked at him, and said, “I’m pregnant.”

He shrugged his shoulders, looked at me, and said, “Yeah, I figured.”

And then your daddy smiled that big smile of his. I'm pretty sure he knew too :-)

And just like that, you came into my world. For you see, while everyone else got only twelve days with you, I got eight and a half months.

And believe me, you made the most of them. You made me sicker than I ever thought I could be. I can’t begin to tell you how much I threw up with you. In the bathroom, in the toilet, in the hallway, in the garage, in the car while I was DRIVING, at work, outside. You name it: I threw up there.

IT WAS UTTERLY RIDICULOUS.

You definitely made your presence known in a major way, all the way until I finally quit throwing up at around 24 weeks.

You also moved so much I could feel you at about 14 weeks. And by the end, you were moving and kicking so much doctors couldn’t even track you on a non-stress test. Because of the amount of fluid I had, you were appropriately named my little water baby. And you were.

We went in for our anatomy ultrasound, and right off the bat, you told us you were a girl. Shhh..Don’t tell anyone, but I had your name picked out for a very long time in my head. I thought it was perfect for you in every way. Named after warrior women, you were, and you lived up to your name in every way possible.

Your daddy has always wanted a daughter named Grace. I told him no: that there was no way we could have a daughter named Grace Kelley. :-)

Little did we know, even though your name was Kathryn, you would come into our lives as grace personified.

Grace: noun \ˈgrās

a : unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

b : a virtue coming from God

c : a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

The other day, I was driving in the car and thought to myself, if just ONE person has found their faith, or rediscovered the joys in their own lives through Kathryn’s life, then maybe it all makes sense.

And then I realized that one person was ME. You helped me rediscover my faith, and to recapture the meaning of grace in my own life as it relates to my God. However, the manner in which God chose to show this to me will forever baffle and confuse me. I could let it get ahold of me in a different way if I chose: anger or depression in this situation seem perfectly understandable reactions. But instead I have to focus on praise, on joy, on GRATITUDE. Because how do you go on in your life focusing on anything but that? If we think of all the bad in the world, all the sorrow and pain, how would any of us ever get out of bed in the mornings?

Your great aunt said to me that she read somewhere that there is a reason God chose to show His love to us through the death of His child: Because it is the most painful, agonizing thing humankind can experience.

And I believe it.

But I also believe there is a reason for everything, and you, my dear, have shown me grace in the flesh.

I’ve discovered I don’t have to worry about my own faults and imperfections to accept gifts: from God, from friends, or from family.

It’s okay to simply accept it, because it’s offered out of pure love.

And you, sweet Kathryn, were the purest and loveliest gift of all…

So while Thomas may have given us the gift of becoming parents, you, beautiful girl, gave us the gift of grace. Thank you for that.

I try not to get too caught up in the would haves and what ifs and should haves, because it can drive a person crazy.

But to me, here’s what you would have been:

You would have been a champion: for all things and especially for people who couldn’t speak up or defend themselves, because it’s the right thing to do.

You would have had the nickname Katy. Your dad and I already called you that between the two of us and it fit you perfectly.

You would have cried over injustice, but rejoiced over personal liberty.

You would have been shy with strangers, and bold with those you loved.

You would have been the girl that brought home all the stray animals because you just couldn’t bear having to pick out one pet when ALL the pets needed homes.

You would have loved the color hot pink, because it is the perfect mix of the boldness of red and the femininity of pink…

You would have loved daffodils.

English would have been your best subject in school.

You would have loved to read books voraciously like your daddy.

You would have had one soul sister and ten other best friends, because you wouldn’t have been able to pick just one, because you would have had too much love to go around.

You would have loved roller coasters.

You would have thought your brother HUNG THE MOON.

You would have LOVED dancing with your daddy.

You and I would have gone on some fantastic mother/daughter trips together, gotten massages, pedicures, and shopped till our hearts’ content.

Based on your pedigree on both sides, you would have studied to be either a teacher or a nurse in school. I would have encouraged you to try to be the principle or the nurse manager, and you would have looked at me and said, “Mom, not EVERYBODY has to be the boss.” You would have made me think about that for a long time….

You would have bitten your nails, just like me.

Your favorite Bible passage would have been Psalm 63.

You would have loved blue jean skirts as a teenager, and I would have wondered why...

You would have brought home one boy for us to meet, and one boy only, because you would have taken the time to pick out the perfect one: the one you knew I would love and that your brother and daddy would have wanted to hang out with.

I would have never had to hold you when your heart was broken because you would have always done the heartbreaking....

You would have married on a sweet Indian summer day in October.

You would have loved the beach, the water, and the sand and your brother would have been forever jealous of your dark hair and skin, and how you didn’t burn as easily as he did.

You would have had three children….a boy, and two girls.

You would have decided to stay at home with them, because you just couldn’t bear to be apart for a single second from your three greatest joys.

You would have made me a proud mother.

The what ifs, the would haves, and the should haves…

They’ll eat you alive if you let them.

Luckily for me, Kathryn, I have the peace that knowing that everything you were supposed to be, you WERE. Trust me, that peace does not come from this world. But you already know that, don’t you, darlin?

Just because you were only here with us twelve days doesn’t mean your days were any less meaningful than the rest of ours.

Now, I have to deal with reality.

I hate the fact that I’m the 33 year old mother that has her daughter’s ashes in a plain white box up on the highest shelf of her closet.

I hate that I can’t listen to music without it making me cry, because the music just gets to me in every single way.

I hate that I have to wear this badge now…that I have to be a member of this club.

But I accept it.

And I also know that you are as much my child as Thomas is, or as, God willing, any future child will be to us.

And we have to keep going, to keep living, and to keep experiencing grace.

Because that, sweet girl, is what you would have done too.

With all my love in all my gracious, aching heart,

Mom