Keepin' On

I haven't really had much to post lately, for a few reasons. 

Work is really busy, so when I'm here I'm always going and doing.  I just happen to be scarfing down a sandwich right now and taking a break from some grant reports, of which I've been swamped with lately. 

And home is...well, home is where I just want to BE. 

Before all of this happened with Kathryn, I brought my laptop home every night to do a little work, check work email, etc. 

Now, I don't bring it home during the week at all. 

I'm not quite sure what changed.  Now, when I'm home, the only place I want to be is in the kitchen with BT & Thomas, on the floor of the den playing with Thomas, or just relaxing and spending time getting our life back with BT. 

It feels good, even when it's sad.

I went over to a friend's new house to have coffee the other night and chat it up with a couple of my sorority advisor friends.  We see each other quite a bit in the fall, but after that we have to schedule occasional catch-ups during the year.  I miss those girls.  It was nice to catch up and spend some time with people who understood, and just talked. 

Lori made a comment about her trip to Hawaii.  We asked her what it was like at Pearl Harbor, and she said it was different when you were that close to a tragedy instead of reading or hearing about it.  Standing over the USS Arizona was in fact much more personal than she would have imagined.

I'm standing over my own personal USS Arizona right now, looking back at my own "date that will live in infamy," and looking down at my stomach, and at my scar, staring at the wreckage I endured.

And realizing I made it through. 

Or at least, that I'm TRYING to make it through each and every day. 

I also told a close friend I'm dealing with a lot of post-traumatic demons right now: lots of anxieties, questions, and fears.  The thing is, I know all of these fears and worries are normal, considering what I've been through, but it's a constant battle to keep them in check.  And your mind can only get you so far before you have to let your prayer life do the rest.  It's hard to simply say, "okay, I'm worried.  and afraid.  and scared."  And that's OKAY, because all I can do is simply pray. 

Thankfully, God says that's enough.

And I pick myself up, and I wipe the tears from my eyes, and I keep on keepin' on. 

Because that's all I know how to do.