Chain Gang

I'm officially back to full-time "at-work" work. 

No more working from home for me.  No more bereavement time.

I could have had more if I wanted, but I wanted normalcy more.

And it's nice being back.  Having things to do, people to talk to, and things to work towards. 

I come from a family of workers.  If you know us all, you know what I mean. 

The beach this weekend was absolutely dreamy.  We needed the time away to sit, in noisy silence with each other so very badly.  I can't tell you how much the sitting on the balcony, watching the sunset, talking about 'why,' 'how,' and 'what if' did to help my soul, even if the answers to all three of those questions still remains: "I don't know." 

It's hard to go back to normal today, since as I was thinking just yesterday, I don't know if I'll ever not feel just fundamentally sad anymore.  That's not to say I'm sad all the time, but this experience definitely stole a deep down smile from me.  It's not gone, but right now, it's definitely buried way down deep.

I've been totally amazed at the sweet gestures that have come my way from friends close by and far.  One of my very best friends here, for instance, had a necklace made for me.  It's got this very cool heart, with a teeny little tag on the chain with the letter 'k' on it.  I don't know if she knows this yet, but I've worn the necklace every day since she gave it to me.  It's the perfect daily reminder of my baby girl.

Then, an old friend sent me a book to read.  It's called I Will Carry You.  I started reading it this weekend, and I swear, it's like the girl is a soul sister.  It might take me quite some time to get through the book because of the similarities in our story, but I am trying, one day at a time.

If there's one thing this whole experience has taught me, it's to take delight in the little things: my son's laugh, his overgrown haircut that should have been cut weeks ago, friends and community, a job I love, and a husband I adore.  So for today, those are the things I cherish and the things I commit to not take for granted. 

And I know, day by day, that it'll get just a teeny bit better, and that over time, when I talk of our second child, our daughter, I'll delight in every single word that leaves my mouth.

Back to work, friends.  Back to work.