One Day at a Time

Been in a rough place emotionally the past few days.

These days are hard for me.  Going back to normal is excrutiating. 

My due date was Saturday, and we had a surprisingly good day.  I even got some time out on the town with close friends Saturday night.  It was good for my soul.

Then Sunday came, as it always does, and it was really really tough.  For some reason, if I'm ever going to be down, it's likely to be on a Sunday.  They're just the quietest days, and the quiet is really hard for me right now.  So I cried.

Alot.

And poor sweet Thomas accidentally broke the necklace my friend made for me for Kathryn, and I cried some more.

Yes, Sunday was rough.

Then Monday was Kathryn's one month birthday.

I spent the morning at the courthouse in line for two and a half hours getting my car tag transferred, and then at the Health Department getting her birth and death certificates at the same time.

The woman looked at the birth certificate request form to start processing it and asked, "so what's the name on the death certificate?"

"The same," I said.

Time stood still as that poor woman processed what I had said, and with each second the lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger.

At least she was respectful.

So I didn't go in to work after that. 
The tears flowed freely, instead, off and on all day.

I made an appointment with a grief counselor next week who specializes in newborn infant loss.  It's times like these I'm thankful to live where I do and have resources like this place.

People keep asking me how I'm doing, asking if I'm really doing as well as I come across on my blog.

Yes...and no. 

Or maybe a better response is: it just depends on the day, the hour, or the minute.
Like I told Thomas this morning, after one of his legendary tantrums, "Sometimes we just wake up on the wrong side of the bed, angry or sad, confused, or completely bewildered.  And we have to choose to not let it get the best of us."

I'm trying to live by this mantra, this one day at a time, one breath at a time, mantra. 

But I'll be honest. 

Sometimes it's easier said than done.